A few months ago I moved to a new blog. I got tired of MySpace, where I had my main journal for, like, EVER. And I have not been using the email connected with this blog, blah blah. I moved it to HERE
In the past few months I keep getting comments, which is cool, but I can not remember what state of mind I was in back when I was writing this. Just want everyone to know I AM NOT SALAFI. I was interested in Salafi stuff NOT because I really wanted to be Salafi, but because I wanted to know what the big deal about them was. I lost interest in all that long time ago. I like to look into stuff, and still like to look into other religions, especially the history part, but alhumdulillah, I am Muslim, may Allah allow me to die as a Muslim.
Bismillah hir Rahman nir Rahim
October 26, 2009
April 19, 2009
Back on the Fence
Bismillah...
I had almost decided to delete this. I never have time to write on my regular blog much less al the little specific blogs I keep hatching on the net.
Since the last time I wrote, my in-laws went back to Bahrain. My brother-in-law is still here, displaced. My brother back in Arkansas is getting divorced, and thank GOD for that. Evil woman. Imad is getting bigger and smarter, mashaAllah, and fussier and louder, subhanaAllah. We watch SpongeBob all day, when the dvd ends, he grabs the closest remote and starts shaking it at the TV, trying to start it again, hahaha. But he sure is trying my patience with all the crying and screaming.
I started taking Zoloft again. And I am on a low carb diet (been slipping a bit lately) and going to the gym almost everyday. For a month Imad cried in the gym's daycare when I left him there, now he loves it. I am down a few pounds but it shows more in inches. It's a good start but i got a ways to go.
I had my fifth miscarriage in February and finaly did some blood tests (fourteen in all!) to try to find out what is wrong. All the tests came back normal, akhumdulillah, but it doesn't answer my question. Last week I did some kind of invasive x-ray. Very uncomfortable, the doctor said by just observation things looks fine, but they will call me later on with the final results. Still doesn't tell me why I can't hold a pregnancy. Maybe it was the thyroid all along, and now I am on medication for that.
After the miscarriage and the in-laws went home, I went to Arkansas for two weeks. I have been so severely depressed for months, my husband and mom got together and arranged for me to go home for a while. mashaAllah I have the best family. That is when I decided to go on the low carb diet and when I got back to Houston I started going to the gym 6 or 7 days a week. I wear long sleeves and hijab, the works. And I get an hour away from the fussy kid, sorely needed.
I had been having an "identity crises", mainly religious. I was so disillusioned and tired of seeing all the fighting and divisions and ignorance among Muslims. I was almost to the point when I did not want to bother wearing hijab anymore, what's the point? Why do I hve to be different from every body else, especially when most of the Muslim women I see don't wear it either? Why do men have to totally rule women and why do the women let them do it? I have been Muslim for many years, I know about the rights of women in Islam and alhumdulillah I married a man who knows them, too, but I see very very few Muslims, male or female, who give so much as a damn about anything in Islam. They are all Westernized, showing off, dating each other, music, clubs, cheating, lying, gossiping. Nothing Islamic about them at all! I was not tired of ISLAM, I was tired of people ruining Islam in my eyes, and in the eyes of pretty much the entire world.
A MySpace friend suggested i go to SunnahFollowers.net and listen to Laila Nasheeba's on-line classes and lectures. Alhumdulillah, is all I can say. Within a few days I felt my iman (faith) coming back. I can not sit at the computer too long because of Imad, so I have been down loading her lectures to my iPod and listen to them all day (they also help drown out the crying and screaming I mentioned earlier, haha) mashaAllah I have learned so much in three weeks, and remembered things I had forgotten over the years. And things that I had been confused about or just had the faintest notion about, I now understand it bette. I learned about jinn and shaytan, a subject that most people tell you to avoid and not to think about. I learned about the punishment of the grave and what happens when we die, things that I had just skimmed over before, or just assumed it was similar to the Christian belief, with few changes, of course. Mostly I have been listening to lectures about character building and morality in Islam. I have made a few new freinds there, as well. Even though I live in Houston, I am still very isolated, never get out, no friends tovisit, not ready to take Imad back to Jumah just yet. (He was a monster the last time!) I have no opportunity to socialize with other Muslim women who want what I want, to become a true believer.
I am back on that fence, but this time I am closer to jumping on the other side. I was almost ready to stop wearing hijab altogether, now I am almost ready to wear hijab in Hope, Arkansas for the first time! Alumdulillah.
I had almost decided to delete this. I never have time to write on my regular blog much less al the little specific blogs I keep hatching on the net.
Since the last time I wrote, my in-laws went back to Bahrain. My brother-in-law is still here, displaced. My brother back in Arkansas is getting divorced, and thank GOD for that. Evil woman. Imad is getting bigger and smarter, mashaAllah, and fussier and louder, subhanaAllah. We watch SpongeBob all day, when the dvd ends, he grabs the closest remote and starts shaking it at the TV, trying to start it again, hahaha. But he sure is trying my patience with all the crying and screaming.
I started taking Zoloft again. And I am on a low carb diet (been slipping a bit lately) and going to the gym almost everyday. For a month Imad cried in the gym's daycare when I left him there, now he loves it. I am down a few pounds but it shows more in inches. It's a good start but i got a ways to go.
I had my fifth miscarriage in February and finaly did some blood tests (fourteen in all!) to try to find out what is wrong. All the tests came back normal, akhumdulillah, but it doesn't answer my question. Last week I did some kind of invasive x-ray. Very uncomfortable, the doctor said by just observation things looks fine, but they will call me later on with the final results. Still doesn't tell me why I can't hold a pregnancy. Maybe it was the thyroid all along, and now I am on medication for that.
After the miscarriage and the in-laws went home, I went to Arkansas for two weeks. I have been so severely depressed for months, my husband and mom got together and arranged for me to go home for a while. mashaAllah I have the best family. That is when I decided to go on the low carb diet and when I got back to Houston I started going to the gym 6 or 7 days a week. I wear long sleeves and hijab, the works. And I get an hour away from the fussy kid, sorely needed.
I had been having an "identity crises", mainly religious. I was so disillusioned and tired of seeing all the fighting and divisions and ignorance among Muslims. I was almost to the point when I did not want to bother wearing hijab anymore, what's the point? Why do I hve to be different from every body else, especially when most of the Muslim women I see don't wear it either? Why do men have to totally rule women and why do the women let them do it? I have been Muslim for many years, I know about the rights of women in Islam and alhumdulillah I married a man who knows them, too, but I see very very few Muslims, male or female, who give so much as a damn about anything in Islam. They are all Westernized, showing off, dating each other, music, clubs, cheating, lying, gossiping. Nothing Islamic about them at all! I was not tired of ISLAM, I was tired of people ruining Islam in my eyes, and in the eyes of pretty much the entire world.
A MySpace friend suggested i go to SunnahFollowers.net and listen to Laila Nasheeba's on-line classes and lectures. Alhumdulillah, is all I can say. Within a few days I felt my iman (faith) coming back. I can not sit at the computer too long because of Imad, so I have been down loading her lectures to my iPod and listen to them all day (they also help drown out the crying and screaming I mentioned earlier, haha) mashaAllah I have learned so much in three weeks, and remembered things I had forgotten over the years. And things that I had been confused about or just had the faintest notion about, I now understand it bette. I learned about jinn and shaytan, a subject that most people tell you to avoid and not to think about. I learned about the punishment of the grave and what happens when we die, things that I had just skimmed over before, or just assumed it was similar to the Christian belief, with few changes, of course. Mostly I have been listening to lectures about character building and morality in Islam. I have made a few new freinds there, as well. Even though I live in Houston, I am still very isolated, never get out, no friends tovisit, not ready to take Imad back to Jumah just yet. (He was a monster the last time!) I have no opportunity to socialize with other Muslim women who want what I want, to become a true believer.
I am back on that fence, but this time I am closer to jumping on the other side. I was almost ready to stop wearing hijab altogether, now I am almost ready to wear hijab in Hope, Arkansas for the first time! Alumdulillah.
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