Brother is here!

Just a quick note while the baby is asleep.

Brother and his family are here. I have been wearing hijab the whole and no one has said a thing about it, mashAllah everything is cool. Even little Skylar hasn't asked what's that all about. That is a surprise, and I doubt anyone discussed it and tried to explain it to them or to her before they came. I have been sending pictures of myself in hijab and posting them on my websites for the past year so everyone gets used to it. Maybe that worked.

My brother and his wife were one day from finalizing their divorce a few weeks ago, when they decided, literally in the eleventh hour, to try to work it out. Which I think is a good decision, they have a daughter to think about (my brother adopted her, but she knows him only as DADDY)...BUT, I see the same strains on his face. After the seperation, he was finally geting bck to his old self (I won't go into the details of their problems) and moving on with his life. I hope the old problems don't come back, but I really don't see much difference. I don't know how their home life has been these past few weeks, I know some changes have been made, and they need more time to get to where they want to be. But I see a long road ahead, and I hope it is worth it.

I am enjoying having my brother around, but I hope that next time...he can come alone. (Notice i said BROTHER only.) But that ain't gonna happen, I'm sure. Right now they went out without me to go shopping. Apparently, she did not want to have to worry about the baby needing to come home too soon and not being able to stay out as long as she wanted. I had not noticed that he was holding her back, and we live right int he middle of the shopping district, even if we did have to come home, it's not like we would have far to go. So I gave them directions and sent them out to an area where she had seen a few places she wanted to go to. Baby is still sleeping, so I guess it's not a big deal. I have no plans to buy anything, I am not a big shopper. But we had planned on going to the zoo, I think maybe she didn't want to waste a whole day at the zoo (which had been my brother's plan all along.) Well, it closes at 7:00, we'll see if we still have time. They just ran off and she didn't even say bye or nothing.

They are my guests so i am keeping my mouth shut. I would have liked to get out of the house, but this is their very short trip to a big city (which by the way, I don't think she has adjusted to very well, she says "country" things a bit too loud), let them do what they want. but my husband is going to be PISSED when he finds out they left me at home to go shopping. He really likes my brother, and has never really liked her.

Uncommon seeds

I have been watching way too much TBN lately. the "Jesus Channel", only I shouldn't call it that, because Jesus is not just for Chrisitans, he is important to Muslims, too. Peace be upon him.

Anyway, I admit I do watch those crazy preachers too much. usually just see what they have to say against Islam and just to get my blood boiling. Which is crazy, right? My personal favs (and in this case they would actually be "anti-favs") are John Hagee and Rod Parsley. It used to be Benny Hinn, but he's getting boring these days. Benny Hinn has been peddling some kind of cure all book, which is weird for a faith healer.

Rod Parsley said something the other day, I just had to write it down. He comes on during a break in the show and says something along the lines of "I know these are hard [economic] times..." but he wants everyone to sow and seed of $100, meaning donate money to his ministry. This will change your life, this will rescue not only the nation, but also your own peronal finances. Don't ask how or why, just obey and give. And to those who can, he asks for the "uncommon seed" of $1000. giving his address, of course. And he keeps talking about "your now season." Always about money with these guys. I doubt his minstry needs uncommon seeds from people who can't afford to give, but he comes just short of promising that if they do this, God will pay them back. Money will miraculously fall into their mailboxes.

The other day John Hagee said something that caught my attention. He said that it is alright to fight to protect your home. Well, isn't that what the Palestinians have been doing all this time DER? How can you not see that? You kick them out of their homes just so you can fulfill some Zionistic prophecy, once all the Jews return to Israel Jesus will come back, whatever, and you expect them not to fight back? And when they do, how dare they? WTH, man?

And why is it that these preachers get up there and praise the country, this is the greatest nation in the world, and then turn around and rage about this head line and that news story, the biased media, the poor education system, the corrupted judicial system, crooked politicians, the streets running wild with every sin you can think? Sounds like such a terrible place. And why is it they whine and belly ache about how the government is trying to stifle their religious freedom, but when an atheist or non-Christian speaks up, they have no right to do so? Why is this guy always complaining about how the government is trying to take Christ out of everything but allowing all other religions freedom to express themselves? I have never seen that actually happen. I have never seen a Christian denied time or space to pray at school or the workplace any more or less than any other religion. And why is it that they preach that Christianity is the only source of good in the world, any other religion is the "opposite" of Christianity, anything else is evil, any other religion only teaches it's followers to do evil, Christian morals and values are the only ones that are pure and good?

Okay, take a breath.

Another preacher I sneak around to watch when nothing else is on is Jack Van Impe. He is next to insane, spouting various scriptures, jumping from one book to another, from Old Testament to New Testament, trying to tie them all together, even though they may or may not have anything to do with each other. They certainly are not near each other, it's like he is just randomly flipping thru the bible and running his thumb down the page with his eyes cloesd. He and his bobble head wife are scary and they are trying to scare people. I remember once he predicted that the next pope, after Benedict the ## whatever, is going to be the actual anti-Christ. And he will take the name Peter II, because there has been no other Pope Peter since the disciple Peter. (That's weird.) I had to write that down, along with his doomsday date, but dang it, I lost it, too. Probably December 12, 2012. (Or is it 21?)

So all these preachers got me to thinking. I am gonig to read the bible all the way thru, and take notes. I tore the closet up looking for my King James Version. I have read the bible, not all the way thru, of course, but I do know the bible. But I want to read the boring parts, the Prophet books, stuff that I could never get too deeply into before. I also watch a lot of History channel and some of the shows are about biblical times. Everytime they read a verse, it's like, "My preachers never explained it like that." Most of them had little to no knowledge of the historical eras in the bible. They were all small town country preachers, and to hear them talk you would think Jesus and the disciples were going to the same type of church we were in, with choirs and Sunday School! And the old people where I was from probably believed that, too! Absolutely NO compromise on their version of the bible or Christianity.

I rarely have time to read Qur'an, much less anything else. So I am going to take my time.

Thus ends my sermon for now.

Just to clarify.

To my annonymous commenter, no, I am not Salafi. I don't think I said I was, I did not mean to imply that I was. And if I ever did say I was a Salafi, it was by accident and I should go back and rewrite what I wrote so as to prevent any further confusion. Sorry if I did, I did not mean to give that impression. I do admire them somewhat, but I doubt I would ever be able to make such a commitment.

About "making mistakes", that is kind of my reason for writing this stuff. I always hear reverted Muslims talking about how "perfect" and peaceful their lives became once they became Muslim. Alhumdulillah, I do love Islam, and I am happy to be Muslim and I do believe it has made a big empact on my life, but things have not always been great and wonderful and easy. I think as lot of new Muslims hear older Muslims saying all that wonderful stuff and then get discouraged and think they must be doing something wrong because life didn't just open up for them and make everything easy. At least, that is how I used to feel. I might have accepted what I believe to be the true religion, but I still have problems to deal with. I still have to vent sometimes.

Anyway, blah blah blah

(I am only posting this to make sure you see it, not sure who you are or if you will ever come back to my page or if you will see the reply I made to your comment.)

Lazy

Once again, this morning, I slept thru Fajr. I always pray it as soon as I wake up, but a haddith says that people who do that are the same as hypocrites. I don't want to be like that. I take the sleeping pills again. I had tried to stop taking them, but then I stay up past 2:00 sometimes, simply can not sleep no mater how tired i am. And I am always tired. I am also having a lot of nose bleeds, really severe ones sometimes, they give me headaches and a few times make me light headed.

Last night I had a dream. the people in it were slightly mixed up, meaning they were my relatives, but in the dream they were actually my in-laws. We were all supposed to go to a party for my husband's sister (played by herself in the dream...???) and she had already left and was there waiting for us. My mom (but in the dream she was my husband's mom) was ready, i was ready, the baby was ready, we were just waiting for my husband, dad, and brother. My mom wait playing on the computer while she waited and the guys were all sitting around watching TV, basically in their underwear. Tht made me mad, because Pakistanis have this "thing" in their genetics where they can never be anywhere on time, always ALWAYS up to an hour late. So when I went in to tell them to get up and get ready, my husband was all like, calm down, they aren't actually expecting us for another half hour. That pissed me off even more, I think it is so disrespectful when people expect you at a certain time and then everyone is purposly late. And they were just being lazy. I went back later and my dad was wearing pajamas, and claimed he thought we had changed our minds about going. Implying that my mom and I were the ones taking our time. I think my dad actually represented my own husband because he pissed me off the most. And before all that, I could not find anything to wear, nothing fit, especially those Pakistani dresses i have, and I noticed that my sis-in-law and mom were both wearing blue jeans. I put mine on, too, but felt that we should have dressed up a little bit. And then I couldn't decide about wearing my hijab because we were in Arkansas. A lot of stuff going on in the dream.

I told myself that I am sick of being lazy, missing the prayers in the morning. I didn't fast a single day in Shawwal and today or tomorrow is the last day. And this morning...I decided to stop being lazy.

I have too much anger and bitterness towards...someone, I can not get passed it. I worked myself up while mopping this morning, I was so angry at that person, crying and all that while mopping, and then my nose started bleeding, dripping on the floor. Took 20 to 30 minutes to stop, it was pretty bad. I am supposed to love this person but I am holding a really large grudge.

Cup of Gumption

I have a big mission today. Going grocery shopping alone with the baby. Which is cool, I get the car, I get to take my time. Woo hoo. Maybe I will go to the West Oaks mall or wherever. I am not one of those who does not like to go out alone. Or eat alone. I have always been alone.

It is a bit of a hassle to tote the baby up and down, back and forth, but inshaAllah, we will manage. I just need my coffee, my cup of gumption. I can't hardly function without my gumption.

So I am going to all the way to the outskirts of Houston. There is a halal meat store there, alhumdulillah, much better than the one close to my house. And the Wal Mart over there is better than the ghetto Wal Mart I try to avoid whenever possible, even if it is right down the road. I shudder when I think of going there. I have to sike myself up for an hour and have absolutely nothing else planned for the rest of the day. Checking out takes longer than the actual shopping. and they have several lanes open, just 20 people in each one! G.H.E.T.T.O.!!!

I plan on cokking a nice dinner for the husband tonight, inshaAllah. We are expecting the family from overseas in the next week or so. I am looking forward to seeing my mother-in-law, just hope she doesn't mention me being "a little bit healthy" or my husband is a lot more than just a little bit healthy compamed to two years ago when we saw her last. I hate it when they do that. I am still stalled on my diet. i am not doing a very good job, honestly. She asked for my measurements so she can bring me some clothes, even though we told them NO GIFTS. but they have that "thing" in their head that they must brig gifts. I really don't want to give my measurements.

Okay, I better run if i want to go to the mall or anyother place besides Wal Mart and the meat store. As for my mood swings, I am just feeling blah now. Tired and empty and blah. And these THING that I am trying not to talk about because it's none of my business, mashaAllah, I successfully avoided blowing up about it while my husband filled me in on the latest developements. I just said um-hmm a few times. I don't really know why it angers me so much. Sometimes I think people's priorities are really screwed up.

Minding my own business

I will keep my mouth shut. It's not my business. Bite my tongue, swallow my opinion along with that bitter feeling that keeps rising up from the pit of my stomach. I have not done such a good job so far, but inshaAllah, I will try harder to keep out of it, since no one really gives a crap what I think about it anyway.

If I can't say something nice, Ya Allah!, help me keep my mouth shut. Starting....NOW!

PREGNANT WOMEN SHOULD NOT FLY HALF WAY AROUND IN THE WORLD IN THE 8TH FREAKIN' MONTH!!!

Opps...

Starting....NOW!

Better Day, InshaAllah

InshaAllah this day will be better.

First I drop my husband off at his job, go back home and feed the baby. And then give him a bath because you can't take a dirty baby to the doctor. I need one myself. So then we go tot he doctor, and maybe the mall across the street if it is not too late. then I have to go back and pick my husband up so he can go to the Pakistani embassy way on the north side of town. It is just a removated house behind a Popeye's Chicken, hahaha.

This morning I woke up in time for Fajr, alhumdulillah, because I slept on the couch. The wind kept blowing the window and it would bump and rattle everytime I was about to doze off. I tried stuff a sock between the panes but that didn't work. It didn't seem to bother the baby, so I went to the couch. Not the most comfortable couch. And once again my alam did not go off at 5:50 like I set it, so I could get up early to eat breakfast so I could fast. It went off at 6:23, which is weird because the alarm on my phone can only be set for 05, 10, 15, etc. not minutes in between. And also Fajr this morning was 6:24.

Obviously there is nothing much to add, I hve only been up about 90 minutes.

Mood Swings

Today I am in a bad mood and the baby is not helping much. I didn't wake up till 10:30!! Wow, how did that happen? and the baby slept that late, too! My back has been hurting for the past week. I think it's from the air bed I sleep on in the baby's room to get away from my husband's snoring. So I woke up late, I am in quite a bit of pain, the baby has been whining and crying all day, I am feeling really blah and yucky, and getting a headache.

I am writing this so I can look back in a few weeks to see how my mood swings were, when they happened and compare it with what was going on at the time. I have had several good days in a row and now I am back down again. I have terrible mood swings. I have moments of energy, where I go for walks in the morning or afternoon, and clean the house and cook big dinners, and then days where all I do is sit in from the the computer or TV and don't want to move.

So here we go, my list of complaints. Today, I slept thru Fajr again, and I missed the chance to fast again. the baby is being picky and not eating and wants me to hold him and carry him around all the time, which is making my sore back hurt worse. I can not eat, I can not even go to the bathroom without him throwing a fit from being put down. This afternoon I had to go into the other room to scream and bang on the wall! I feel so bad about it but I go absolutely crazy sometimes and I have to leave the room so he won't see me getting upset. He would not eat lunch and so I finally got him to snuggle up and go to sleep, but when I put him in his crib he wakes up and cries, he has always done this. Won't sleep unless I hold him the whole time. I have eaten a slice of toast, drank a cup of coffee and a cup of tea so far today, that's it. My diet is stalling, I am losing control of it, it seems, and i am getting discouraged with it. My in-laws are coming in a few weeks and even though I love her, I bitterly keep thinking my mother-in-law is going to say something about my weight. I already know she is going to say a LOT about my husband's weight, which annoys me almost as much as when people talk about mine, because who getsw to hear him complain about it? ME. Tomorrow I am taking the baby to a doctor to get consultation about circumcision, that was not possible when he was born. Don't want to get into that. It has to be done as soon as possible, and the thought of it worries me, of course. My brother is also coming with his family. i am not turning anyone away or bothered by having company, in fact, i would love to have visitors more often, but where is everyone going to sleep?

Stress and annoyance and bitterness and bad diet. I have had these problem for years. I am trying to use my faith and religion to help, and I think it really has, but I still feel I have a long way to go.

Another Day

Now we are not sure when my brother will be coming. It was supposed to be this weekend. But he got back together with his wife, alhumdulillah, so the trip got postponed to November. and instead of just him, he will be bringing his wife and daughter. I hope they can all fit in one bed and can sleep with the traffic right outside the window. they are from the country after all.

Not much going on. I did get up for Fajr on time, but did not fast today again. I don't know why I can't get myself back in that frame of mind. It's like for Ramadan, you just do it because you have to. But when you have the whole year to make the missed ones up, you get lazy. That is why you should make them up in Shawwal, which is now almost over. I think my own problem is my dependence on caffine.

Besides that, my nose bled horribly this morning right when I got up. Took almost 10 minutes to stop and it was in my throat, now I feel sick in my stomach from swallowing too much blood. Don't know why that happened. And i don't know if a nose bleed would break your fast anyway, especially when you swallow so much blood.

My in-laws got their visas, alhumdulillah. InshaAllah they will be coming in a few weeks. My mother-in-law is dying to see Imad, her only grandchild. My sister-in-law will be having her baby in a few weeks, as well. So Ami is comig for that, too. Plus, my brother-in-law is "supposedly" graduating in December, that's the rumor, anyway. He is secretive and i wouldn't put it past him to wait till the day before and announce, "Oh, by the way, I won't actually graduate till May. Sorry."

This and that

I had intended to fast today but once again I woke up too late. My alarm did not go off this time at all. But the baby woke up a few minutes after Fajr and I had to attend to him, so at least I did not miss the pray. I have been sleeping thru it a lot lately, astaghfurillah. InshaAllah, I will keep trying to fast. I am planning to start fasting every Monday and Thursday, these are the two most favored days to fast.

I had a crying episode last week, Wednesday or thursday. Not sure why, I just broke down and started crying, sitting in the baby's room. He was visibly upset, he always gets upset when he sees me upset. but this time, instead of crying, he crawled up into my lap and gave me a big hug, with arms and legs. Of course, this just made me cry more. We sat there for a long time until he feel asleep. He is only 13 months, but he already knows how to cheer me up. Since then I have not felt as depressed, mashAllah, much better now.

We did go to Jumah together on Friday. My husband left for his lunch break but the traffic between where he works and the masjid is terrible on Fridays. We made it right on time but it took longer than an hour. His manager was very nice about letting him go for prayers and did not give him any grief about being gone too long, but he doesn't want them to think he is taking advantage of their kindness, they may get tired of it later on. So we may have to change our route or go to a different masjid. It was not the same on I went to by myself last week. This one had the smallest woman's section I have ever seen, including Little Rock and Jonesboro, Arkansas. But alhumdulillah I was glad to go as a family. Imad didn't start his usally fussiness until the prayer, and this time he played with his truck so he wasn't as bad as usual.

I am "stuck" on my diet. No gain no loss. Well, I was down 3 or 4 pounds once but they came back by the end of the day. And one day I was up a pound but it was "absorbed" the next day. I need to get more strict if I am going to allow myself to eat a little bit of everything instead of depriving myself of carbs, which has worked for me in the past.

Alhumdulillah I hve been wearing my abaya for the past week. My husband has not given me any grief about it. His parents are coming next month inshaAllah and when his mom asked what size I was so she could bring me some new shalwar qameez (Pakistani dresses) he told her to bring me a new abaya instead. Alhumdulillah.

Solutions Part 2

The last two days I had the intention of fasting but since I have not been taking the sleeping pills i usually take, I have not been sleeping well and I have slept right thru my alarm and missed Fajr, asthagfurillah. InshaAllah, in a few days I will have my sleeping pattern more normal. I sleep in the baby's room because my husband snores terribly. So I keep my alarm volume on lw, but up until now, it has been fine, waking me up without disturbing the baby. But now I can't sleep until way too late and I don't remember hearing it or shutting it off. Tonight I plan to just sleep on the couch and turn the volume up a bit.

My brother is supposed to come next week and then my husband's parents are supposed to come in November. I am looking forward to having family around, just wondering wear evryone is going to sleep.

I am feeling better, not quite as depressed. I know what it is. I want to change my religious life, like I have so many times in the past, but I have too many hang ups and fears and doubts. I am not anti-Salafi, in fact I think they are more correct than others, and I want to be more like them. But I do not hold some of the strict beliefs about women as they do, among them, wearing niqab and staying inside all the time, I would go crazy because i am already cut off from the world, having no friends to visit. Wearing niqab to me means never having a job in the future, first I could not leave my house, and second no one is going to hire a niqabi. And there is the possibility that I may have to work in the future, and then what? I am not anti-niqabi, I jut don't think I can do that at this time, for both personal and practical reasons.

I think the numer one thing holding me back, and the reason I get frustrated and depressed, is that my husband does not think the same way I do. I do not want to speak against him. But he is not religious and how can i be more religious if I live with someone who is not.

And then there is my own family, some of whom have seen me wear hijab, but only in Houston. Others have not seen it yet. They are all decent, normal, average people, as far as Americans go. Islam is way beyond anything they know. They think it goes way to far in trying to avoid what they think is just normal life. They don't see haram in almost everything, the way Muslims do. what is wrong with music, what's wrong with dating, what's wrong with wearing what you want as long as you're "decent"?

Anyway, I have been wearing my abaya more often. i was afraid my husband would say something, or tease me about it, but so far he hasn't. He is okay with me wearing abaya and whatever in Houston but not in Arkansas. i don't like this, even though that is basically what i do. I don't like that I do this, I want to wear hijab all the time, this is the biggest thorn in my side. and I don't like tht he told his mom not to wear her niqab when she interviews for the visa or flies over here. I know she will get problems with wearing it, but if you are committed to something, or know that someone is committed to something, you should not give it up for PEOPLE. You are doing it for ALLAH.

And so we come to the heart of the matter. I have not "committed." To hijab, or to anything, actually. Once you go 100%, you can't go back. I have not allowed myself to do this yet, for fear of people. My husband, my family, potential employers, old friends in Arkansas, people at the airports. that is the source of my depression, I realize now, my lack of commitment to Islam.

Solutions

Been workingon this since Oct. 14...

Bismillah hir Rahman nir Rahim.


Okay baby is sleeping, better hurry.


I think the first thing i should do is make up the fasts that I missed, get that out of the way. this year I missed 8. I went and added up all the fasts I have missed over the past 13 years (gulp gulp) 162 days! I have read some fatawa that says during those years that you were lazy and did not pray or fast, you were out of Islam and you do not necessarily have to make up deeds that you missed, because your repentence is you "return" to Islam. Maybe so, but I still feel the need to make them up, at least the 30 days I missed last year because I had the baby.


But that will take some time. Let's just worry about the 8 days I need to make up this year.


I don't think I will have enough days left in Shawwal to fast the 6 Sunnah days. I did not want to fast while my brother is here. If they were Fard, of course, I would. But these are Sunnah, not Fard, and I had plenty of opportunities to fast before now, so it is my fault that I wasted most of the month. The haddith says that if you fast your month of Ramadan, and then 6 days of Shawwal, it is as if you fasted an entire lifetime. And another says you have to make up your missed Fard fasts before doing Sunnah fasts, so I would have had to do the 8 before the 6. On and on and on....my point is I need to make up my 8 fasts as soon as possible.


InshaAllah fasting will help keep me focused on Islam more. During Ramadan, when I was waking up and staying up, I didn't feel as groggy all day as when I go back to sleep after Fajr. I actually enjoyed getting up early and having an hour or two to myself before the baby woke up. and it seems that when I go back to sleep after Fajr and wake up with the baby, we start the day off in a grumpier mood.


One other thing I have already started working on. NO MORE SLEEPING PILLS!!! I have been taking Tylenol PM for as long as i can remember. Not everyday for years and years, but for long periods of time over the years since i discovered it in college. I have been an insomniac since high school, never could sleep at the right time and when I I could, would sleep as late as 3 or 4:00 in the afternoon. But I was also not able to actually sleep until 8 or 9:00 in the morning, so it's not like I was sleepng up to 15 or so hours. I was just sleeping the average 6 to 8 hours at the wrong time. This really ruins your life, let me tell you. I did terrible in college because of it, can't go to early classes or morning jobs. It's totally miserable. So I hve always taking Tylenol PM (usually a double dose, and at times even a triple dose) and strong coffee in the morning.


Well, for the past three nights I have not taken any sleeping pills. when I take them, it is so hard to get up in the morning and now I have no choice, with the baby waking up around 8:00. And for the past few nights I have not been able to sleep before 1 or 2:00 in the morning, I have slept thru Fajr, don't even remember the alarm going off. I think tonight I will just stay on the couch and turn my alarm louder so i can hear it and get up. At the right time.

Okay, baby throwing a fit now, better go.

Lost

Bismillah hir Rahan nir Rahim

Alhumdulillah, this year I had a good Ramadan. I woke up everyday for Suhur and did not miss any prayers. A few were late because we were evacuating from the hurricane and then a tree fell on the house we had evacuated to. InshaAllah they were accepted when I was able to make them.

I had hoped to keep up with that schedule, waking up an hour before Fajr and pray Nafl prayers or read Qur'an. It is the only time I would have for some quiet without the baby pulling my legs, constantly whining for me to pick him up. Seems to be doing that more and more. Right now he is throwing a fit in my lap because I won't carry him around anymore. Kid's too heavy to tote around all day!

I had also planned to make up my 8 missed fasts plus the 6 Sunnah fasts for Shawwal, but so far I have not done that. And today is the fourth morning in a row that I slept thru Fajr, astaghfurillah. I can feel that fire inside me getting low.

I feel something else. what little I do doesn't seem like enough anymore. I wear hijab and I pray and I read Qur'an and I fast for Ramadan, but it's not enough. It's just the least a Muslim can get by with. And I want to do more than just the least I can get by with.

In the past few days I have slipped back into the depression that has hovered over me since the baby was born. It's not the same PPD I had in the beginning. This is coming from loneliness, having no friends, being stuck at home all day with a whiney kid and having a husband come home wanting to know what is wrong with me (hmm, maybe it it is partly PPD), it comes from knowing what I should be doing and feeling that my loved ones are holding me back. Not intentionally, I mean I am holding back because I am afraid of their reaction.

And I am afraid of my own self. Sometimes I get high imaan (faith) and then it fizzles out. I am afraid that I will try to make certain changes in my religious life while I am on some sort of religious "high" and then after a few weeks realize that I am not strong enough to keep it going.

My brother will be coming next week for a visit. He has never seen me wear hijab (except in a few pictures) and he will be the last close relative to see it. I think after his visit, I will start wearing my abaya or jilbob. I will spare my brother the shock. My parents see me wearing it (hijab, not abaya) when they visit me in Houston, but I have not worn it in public back home in Arkansas. this is something that I want to change as well. I have to stop fearing people and start fearing Allah alone. I think this is on of the main things holding me back from committing to anything more than what I have already been doing. Fear of my family being embarrassed about me in Hope, pop. 10,000 on a busy day.

Just have to figure out how to do that. It just seems so impossible in my mind.

But let's concentrate on a few other things right now. I got to feed this kid first, inshaAllah next post.

Nothing Much

Tonight I cut the baby's hair while he was in the tub. Do you know how hard it is to cut a wet, squirmy baby's hair without snipping his ear in the process? My nerves were shot. MashAllah he looks much better now, not so shaggy. It's not exactly straight but good enough for now. I have been fighting off the influence of my mother-in-law for a year, she wants us to shave his head several more times. We shaved it when he was a month old, it's a Sunnah. But it is a nice blondish brown color now, mashAllah. I like having a little blonde Pakistani baby haha. So I refuse to shave it again and have it come back darker. His blondish hair is about the only noticable thing he got from me.

I was down a few pounds this morning, mashallah, but I see my belly...blah. I don't want to think about it. I cooked some beef for dinner, but had not spice (Pakistani masalas) so I used A1 Steak Sauce, haha, didn't tell my husband. I believe he actually liked it.

Diet Woes

I have been doing okay on the "diet", I guess. I am definitiely eating less than i usually would. Now I need to work on the things I actually do eat. I tend to get the munchies late at night. I need to snack on healthier stuff, instead of cookies and chips like I have been doing (even if i am eating just a few.) Maybe some baby carrots or some fruit. I think I better start eating more simple things, fruit, veggies, milk, bread. Staple foods, that don't have goofy cartoons on the package, right?

I think I also need to eat a bigger breakfast, I get really hungry about two hours later. So far I have been eating one slice of toast and a glass of milk for breakfast, which is more than I usually eat, I used to never eat breakfast at all. I think I will go ahead and add another slice of toast.

I am feeling hungry right now. But i notice that after a while it is not so bad, i can deal with it. If I start feeling weak or get low blood sugar, I eat some peanut butter or drink a glass of milk, eat some cheese. Within a few minutes I feel fine.

It's kind of like "borderline" hungry. Weird, but I feel it in my arms and legs. I feel less heavy and lazy. But I STILL weigh ### - 15. And I still look like I weigh ###. I know it takes time, got to reverse those wheels. I'm chugging along. Got to be patient. Wait till at least November before I see anything going on.

InshaAllah I am planning to make up my missed fasts and also try to fit in six fasts for Shawwal (the month after Ramadan) starting tomorrow. I missed eight this year, so that is two weeks, but they don't have to all run together. I will be honest, I actually have more than just this year's missed fasts. But I do not know if or how to make them up, if I am even allowed to do that. And if it comes down to feeding a poor person to make up for a fast, I can not afford that these days, I kind of AM the poor person right now. Just last year, I had a baby in the middle of Ramadan, I missed that whole month. A few other years, I did not make all of the missed up, due to my own laziness, astaghfurillah. I am trying to get right with Islam and with Allah, I need to find out what to do about making up a LOT of fasts.

Diet Progress and Baby Shots

Bismillah hir Rahman nir Rahim

Well, since my diet blog is under review (at least I hope it is, I have no idea how it works) I will just track my progress over here.

The last few days I have done okay on portion control. At least, I am eating less than i usually would. I am trying to control how fast I eat, also. And taking smaller bites. the scales have not moved in a week. Right now I weigh ۞۞۞ and I want to weight (۞۞۞ - 40) Yeah, you didn't think I was really gonig to put my weight on here, did you? I am okay with ۞۞۞ because just a few short months ago I weighed (۞۞۞ + 15). But it gets discouraging when your scales hardly move anymore. I really shouldn't check everyday, just once a week. But it's still the same, week after week. I know i have to give it more than just a week. I am going to hold out till New Year's and then see where I'm at.

Baby had to get his 12 month shots today. We knew it would be difficult when the nurse was trying to take his temperture with the ear thingie and he threw a fit. Like, that's not the worst that is going to happen. the doctor told me what I already knew about our sleeping arrangements. I sleep in the baby's room because my husband snores extremely loud. Of course that is not good because the baby knows I am right there and if he cries long and loud enough I will eventually toss him in my bed. So now I am going to have to find another place to sleep. I guess I can set my air bed up inthe dinning room, since we don't have a table and don't use that area anyway. InshaAllah, my husband will eventually stop snoring. I gave up trying to sleep in the same room over a year ago.

So we doped the baby up on Tylenol. Not intentionally of course! the doctor gave me a dose, which went all over the baby's face, chest, diaper, legs, and the paper on the exam table. I had my own Tylenol so I gave him some of that, too, so he probably got well over a dose between the two. I held his arms down while the nurse stuck him. she said some mothers refuse to do it. (My husband doesn't even was to be in the baby's sight for fear he will associate getting shots with seeing his Abu cowering in the corner.) I know it has to be done, it's for his own good. I don't remember my own shots as a baby, so inshaAllah he won't remember me being a part of it.

We had a terrible storm this morning and our street was flooded, but we are home now, street is clear. Baby is sleeping it off. I am about to make some pasta for myself. I have the car today, yea! I might go somewhere later. I never have the car.

My other blog was reported!?

Weird, my other blog got reported as spam. I had no idea anyone was reading or even cared that much. AWWWW, so sweet.

Well, it's not spam. I have no idea what rules I broke. I didn't know it was so offencive to document your own weight loss plan

Muslim Weight Loss Plan

Hurry hurry, while the baby is sleeping!!!

Now that Ramadan is over, I have to go back on my diet. Actually, I am going to try something else. I was doing low carb for a while before Ramadan, alhumdulillah, I had lost 15 or so pounds in a few short months.

But then I kind of got stuck, and once I get stuck for a two or more weeks, I get discouraged. Besides that, low carb can get expencive, with all the meat you have to buy, and I really miss bread and pasta and CHOCOLATE. Also, I had moved at the end of July and at the new place I have no where to go for the daily walks I used to take with the baby. Our new street is really busy all day and I feel anxious walking with the baby so close to the traffic.

A few years ago I did some personal research about dieting and weight loss in Islam and "developed" my own Muslimah's Diet. (But I never really tried out.) There really isn't an actual weight loss plan in Islam, but if you look into it, there are several ayahs from Qur'an and haddith about the Sunnah that describes how a Muslim should eat, not just what a Muslim should or should not eat.

Eating is a big part of the Islamic culture (or just about any culture.) It deals with hospitality and closeness of family. When you visit someone, you eat. When you invite someone, you eat. When you go out with friends, you eat.

The haddith I found mostly advise portion control. You should not over eat and stuff yourself. In fact, you should never eat until you are totally full. The one that I found the most interesting says that when you eat, you should fill yourself with 1/3 food, 1/3 drink, and 1/3 air. Eat and drink but don't get overly full. (One third air, I take to mean, the extra "space" in your stomach from not filling it all the way.) Eat slowly and pay attention to your body and stop when you are no longer feeling hungry. Another one says the food of one person can sustain two, and the food of two can sustain three, etc. Well, I back it up a little bit and come to the conclusion that the food of half can sustain one. (That's just me talking, not the actual haddith, but it makes sense, right?)

If eaten the proper way, as advised by Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, this should be possible. Don't just cram it all in your mouth, scarfing it down, have some self control, eat in moderation, serve others before serving yourself, eat what you get and don't get what you can't finish (don't waste and don't over endulge.) Basic Islamic princples.

Okay, I got to cut this short. Baby has been up for a while now. InshaAllah I will try this out till New Year's, see how it goes. I got a lot more info, just got to tend to the kid right now

Next Step?

Bismillah...

I walked to the mall, took 20 minutes. I didn't spend any money, just wanted to get out of the house instead of sit at home on Eid, doing nothing. Except for sore feet, it was enjoyable. I always get lost in that mall and they don't have any entrance ramps for the baby's stroller on the street that I was on.

That anonymous commentor who did not like the book The Ideal Muslimah (which, by the way, I never said I was implimenting at this time) got me interested in Salafi-ism, is that even a word? Salafi belief. I am not interested in being a Salafi, I don't think I am quite there yet. I just want to see what they are about. I do feel that I need to do more than just pray and wear hijab. I still do not wear hijab while in Arkansas. I still can not find the words to explain Islam to my Christian family. It all makes so much sense to me, I love Islam and I think it is a beautiful way of life, why can't I find the words to describe it to others? I get so tongue tied. and I feel so conflicted about the hijab thing. but this last time i was there I did pray all my prayers, first time I ever did that. Basically, I want to move on from just the basic stuff and represent myself as a stronger believer, I just have so many things holding me back.

I did read a khutbah by a Salafi imam, about women should stay in the house and only come out when there is a necessity. Boo...I can agree that it is better for the children if their own mother is able to stay home while they are young, not always inside, but there to raise her kids, but here in the States, one income families rarely survive. Sad fact of our society. Alhumdulillah, for the past year we have been able to do that, but it has been hard and stressful at times. But I would go crazy if I had to stay in the house and never leave, if only to get some air.

I do not think that niqab is fard and I do not think that women should never go outside the house and I don't think that all women are fitnah and I don't think women should bare the sloe responciblity of protecting men from fitnah, they are also commanded in the Qur'an to lower their gaze, it's not always the woman's fault he some stupid man chooses not to do so. I have only seen a few Salafi sites, some negative, some possitive. I don't have time to find the addresses right now, will have to update this post later.

Eid Mubarak!!!

Eid Mubarak!

Well, there was the usual confusion of when because everyone has their own method of deciding if the moon has been sighted. HEre in Houston, some of the masjids changed their minds, I think. It gets on my nerves every year, just like the first day of Ramadan, this group says Monday, that country says Tuesday, Shi'as wait a day after Sunnis.

So I decided this year, once and for all, what my own method will be. My husband and I used to live in Arkansas, where there is no community, so we always relied on his parents in Bahrain, and Bahrain always goes with Saudi Arabia. From what I understand, unless I am mistaken, Saudi Arabia accepts a reliable sighting regardless of where it is. I seem to recall my first Ramadan in 1996 started after an imam in Japan saw the moon, and that community was mostly Saudi. I might be wrong, but that is what I have decided from now on, and I was told that first Ramadan that is the way it should be done. If it is sighted anywhere and the source is reliable, we will accept it as the new moon and do what we got to do.

I know others will wait for the majority of their own community, I have heard that you should do this.

Others will wait until the moon is sighted with the naked eye instead of with the high powered telescopes that can spot it a day before, I have heard you should this, also. I have heard so many different methods, it can get really confusing! So I told myself JUST PICK ONE, so for me today, Eid Mubarak.

I was not able to go to the prayers. I really have not been going to any masjid for a while. And the big prayers they have at the Reliant Center, with ISGH (Islamic Society of Greater Houston) is going to be on Wednesday, anyway. My husband had to go to a class down town and could not take us. So I think I will dress up and walk the three blocks to the big fancy mall. Get out of the house for a while before it gets too hot.

Happy Birthday

Bismillah...

I have so many drafts, and now they are all out dated, might as well delete them. It's hard keeping up with anything when the baby is not as into as I am. Right now I am fending him off with SpongeBob and Cheerios. He has entered the whining stage, which is like nails on a chalkboard. anyway, my baby turned one while we were in Arkansas with my family during our evacuation. he got spoiled plenty by his mam-ma and pap-pa and Uncle Goober, hahaha... Goober.

We have lights, got those back about a week after the storm. (My husband had come back to go back to work.) the water is a bit brown, I am trying to run it thru the Brita pitcher a few times to see if that helps.

We drove back to Housotn last night in the dark so I didn't see much. Saw a few trees with the tops twisted off, probably by tornados, and lots of billboard signs blown down. Some areas are still in the dark and we saw plenty of cherry pickers and electric trucks. In fact I saw several convoys of these trucks trekking thru Arkansas over the past few weeks, from Indiana, Michigan, Kentucky, all heading south.

Today is my birthday. Not that I really care, but now I understand birthdays really shouldn't be about the actual birthday person, it should be about their mama. Last week I kept thinking, "What was I doing a year ago at this time?" Sitting in the waiting room of the ultrasound center for a simple appointment, no plans of having a baby that day; the girl in my doctor's office running from the room after she checked my blood pressure and not even taking the cuff off; being rolled unexpectedly over to the hospital in a wheelchair because my blood pressure was dangerously high, my nose had started bleeding, too; finding out I had toxemia and was going to be having an emergency C-Section "in about two hours"; realizing we should have packed that bag weeks ago, should have kept the cameras in the car at all times, we had NOTHING with us; finally getting to see this little baby, but only for a few minutes because he has to go to the NICU for a few hours; after several weeks of being an insulin dependent diabetic I finally got to eat chocolate cake again, and I ordered it for every meal for the four days I was in the hospital; bringing my baby home for the first time and having no idea what to do; crying a lot, baby crying a lot.

Alhumdulillah, one whole year has passed...

Return to Houston

(I wrote this a few days back. I evacuated for the hurricane and got stranded in Arkansas at my parent's house for two weeks. Alhumdulillah, we are now home in Houston, with power, but I think the water is not so drinkable.

Oh, and today is my birthday, but I'm not really paying to much attention. I've already turned 26 a few times.)

Bismillah hir Rahman nir Rahim...
My husband and I decided not to stay in Houston with the possibility of no electricity or water because we have the baby. I tend to bail when the Weather Channel talks about "certain death." So we came to Arkansas to stay with my parents. It was nothing like evacuating for Rita, the roads were empty (it was early AM Friday when we left.) We stayed up all night watching it hit Galveston. I was in shock the next morning when I saw what all it had done.

And then Saturday night the hurricane passed thru Arkansas, and we had some very strong winds. This area is still wet from Gustav a week before and with the strong winds from Ike, one of the huge pine trees in our yard fell onto our house! Right in the middle. I was actually walking into the very room it landed on, if I had not stepped into the bathroom to put something away for that brief second I would have been buried under the ceiling, rafters, and insulation. The tree itself did not reach all the way to the ground, it had a rotted spot in the middle and there is a wall right in the middle of the house and it snapped the tree in half. The roof literally caved in at my feet. The top half of the tree crashed thru the sun porch on the back of the house.

I had no idea what it was, it happened so fast. I heard a loud boom and had just enough time to think to myself that it was not thunder, when I heard a second crash and felt the house shaking. I thought we had been struck by lightening! I just screamed and went running to find my baby.

Alhumdulillah, we were all unhurt. I actually didn't remember half of what happened, I think my mind blocked it out, and I started remember bits and pieces over the next two days. It's just, you never know when or where it could happen, you think you are going to be safe in your house, away from all the windows like they always preach to you during storms, or you think you are evacuating from a hurricane to be safe, and then a tree falls on you.

I learned a few things, like, I can run faster than a tree can fall, always put your stuff up where it belongs, and you can not escape harm or death if that is what Allah has ordained for you.

Freakin' out, man!

May Allah protect us!

And safely get us the heck out of Dodge!

Sad

Today is 9/11. I always get sad on 9/11. After all these years I still get shocked when I see those images, can't believe it really happened. I am not one of those who thinks it was a Jewish conspiracy. I think it's stupid to believe that 1000s+ Jews didn't show up for work that day, get real. When they read off the names of those who died, there are plenty of Jewish names, and Jews in the US are not so "united" that they would all come up with something so horrible. The fartherest out on the limb I am willing to go is to say possibly the government knew something was about to happen, (how could such a huge understaking slip past them?), and possibly it was allowed to happen, to give them a reason to go to war, so the country would hate Muslims in general, I don't know. I don't know about all that "people came in a week before and placed bombs to go off at the same time the planes hit" theory, or the "jet fuel is not hot enough to melt the beams" theory. Plain and simple, you fly an airliner into a building, it's going to fall. It's all but obvious who did it. They claim to be Muslim, but they obviously do not follow the Islam that I choose to follow. They are crazy, brainwashed, opportunistic, STUPID STUPID STUPID people who have given Islam a bad image. there are so many ignorant Muslims out there. I am sorry but it is true.

Get off this now, it's Ramadhan, time for happy thoughts. But I have not been too happy the past few days. For one thing the baby has been fussing and whining more than usual this week and I am about at the end of my rope. And why do men think that women are all too happy to put up with fussy kids or better at it then they are, just because we are the mother? Why don't they get it into their thick skulls that when they know their wife is obviously upset and having a hard time, they should stay and help her thru it, a little thing called SUPPORT, instead of going out every night to meet their friends, leaving her home alone AGAIN. Just reminding her that she is trapped forever in the house with a whiney kid and he is free to come and go as he pleases, making her depression even worse. Why doesn't he care that he is breaking her heart everytime he leaves her to fend for herself? He is the only person she sees all day and he obviously doesn't care to spend anytime with her, prefers to see his friends.

Astaghfurillah.

The Ideal Muslimah

Bismillah hir Rahman nir Rahim

I have been reading the book The Ideal Muslimah. While the information is good, very thurough I might add, I find it to be typical of religious books translated from Arabic. Not sayng there is anything wrong with the translation, just the wording is a bit odd and repetitive. They always use words that typical English readers don't use so it just sounds a bit off.

Anyway, that being said, I realize that I have a long way to go if I want to be the "ideal Muslimah." I have read the "daughter" chapter and the "wife" chapter (oh, man!) and now I am starting the "mother" chapter. Daughter chapter, common sense, treat your parents with kindness and respect, even if they are not Muslim.

The wife chapter....when I first started reading this book I had a feeling I was going to get pissed off when I read this chapter. It does go into detail about how the wife is supposed to be some kind of Super Woman and basically create some kind of heaven on earth for her husband. She is supposed to obey him as long as he is not going against Islam, she is supposed to overlook his faults and be sweet for him, dress up for him (in fact, the wife who does not look nice for her husband is falling into sin, the book says!) she is supposed to be patient when he gets out of hand. All this is well and good but in my mind this borders on servent more than wife, at least the way I was raised.

In my house, we always got our own glass of water, we always made our own plate at dinner, no one brought anything to us. We cleaned up our own messes, my mom was not a servent. She cooked and cleaned, did laundry, made sure we got up and got to school on time. But if you weren't there when dinner was ready, too bad for you. If you want a sandwich, you know where the bread is, knock yourself out. None of us, including my dad, expected her to run around dong this simple little things.

My husband, on the other hand, was a bit put off that I never did these simple little things for him. And it put me off that he expected me to run and bring him this and that, make a simple sandwich or snack that a five year old can do, while he was just sitting around with perfectly functioning hands and not doing anything that would prevent him from using his perfectly functioning hands to make his own damn sandwich. Really ticks me off that he "likes the way I make salad." WTH!?!? you throw lettuse and ranch on a plate, BOOM, salad.

A few months ago, his friend and friend's wife came to visit us for a week or so, and I saw the way she ran around, chasing their 2 year-old and fetching things for her husband, she rarely got to sit down. But didn't seem to get ticked off about, like I would have. Like, who does that guy think he is, must be nice having someone do all these simple things for him that he could do himself while she is watching their hyper kid.

So I was reading this "how to be the perfect Muslim wife" chapter, and it said something that I had not thought about before. Doing all these simple little mind-numbing things, get him a snack, bring him a glass of water when he comes home from work, bring him whatever from the kitchen or bedroom, these should not be considered as service to him, actually. When you do little things for him, or for anyone for that matter, it is the same as charity, a form of kindness, and inshaAllah, you get rewarded from Allah for that. So it is actually a religious duty, or service to Allah, to try to make your husband's life a little easier, even if it is as medial as throwing salad on a plate. You are serving Allah when you take care of your husband, and your kids. Why would you want to give up an easy chance to get rewarded from Allah, just because you think you are too good to get a glass of water?

In a perfect (dream!) world, the man is supposed to support the family financially, the woman is supposed to support him by providing a pleasant place for him to come home to. Last year we both worked, but once my baby was born I chose to stay home and raise him. I can not bear the thought of day care, I hear to many horror stories and I would not want to pick him up one day and the care giver say, "Guess what! He took his first steps today!" I know it is necessary for many many families in this day and age, both parents have to work to make ends meet, but so far, we have survived on just my husband's income, alhumdulillah. so I think it is only right that I try to make his home life easier by coming down off my high horse and try to be more "wifey."

Hijab in a Small Town

Despite what most Yankees think of Texas, it is not entirely an extremist Christian state. Within Dallas, Houston and even San Antonio and Austin, you will find large non-Christian communities, most of which have either adapted to or have been accepted with few problems. The Houston Muslim community is one of the largest Muslim communities in the entire country, let alone the state of Texas. As for myself, personally, I can honestly say I have never had a problem wearing my hijab in Houston. I don't wear abaya or jilbob very often, but when I do, I don't notice anything from anyone because there are several women who wear it all the time.

Of course, once you venture out of the big city, you are a bit a vulnerable. I have driven across eastern Texas to Arkansas wearing my hijab several times. Once we leave Houston metro area, I get nervous. And once we hit the state line...

I have not yet worn my hijab publicly in small town Arkansas. This is a weakness in my iman. I don't know if it's so much weakness of faith as it is so much weakness of courage. I am scared of being the center of attention in this small town. Many people remember me or know my family and I am afraid they will by embarrassed to be seen with me. I especially think about my brother's reaction. He has never seen me wear it (or, not in many many years and he did not like it or understand it.) My parents see me wear it when they come to visit me in Houston. They have said nothing. But so far I have not had the courage to wear it while in Arkansas.

The last time we went there, I wore it the whole trip, right up to their front door. They live off the highway, so I can freely take it off while at their house. But I took it off before I went inside. And didn't put it back on till we were well on our way. (Well, it was dark, I sometimes take it off in the car if it's dark.)

My brother is supposed to come in a few weeks. I will not stop wearing it while he is here. I have no fear wearing it here, it's just back home that I get scared. It's the biggest obstacle I have in my life right now, this anxiety about wearing hijab in Arkansas has held me back for years. When my parents came for the birth of my son, and I wore it for the first time in front of them, they proabaly said nothing because of my fragile state of mind. (And, boy, was it fragile!) And since then, they have come a few more times and I resolutely wore it, no discussion, no problem.

I have no idea if it is all in my head or if they would really be embarrassed or if they would be supportive or proud of the fact that I was brave enough to wear it there. I have no idea if they would have anything to say at all.

Onions

Bismillah...

It is almost midnight and I have to be up in about five hours to make breakfast before we start our fifth day of fasting. Nothing much happened today, we did our mini-grocery shopping. I can't seem to remember all the stuff we need, or I think something will last and I run out on Wednesday. Today I really only needed onions and we ended up spending about $50.

We had a cat for about six years and recently gave her to my brother. We were not allowed to have pets at our new place and he had mice, so...a few birds with one stone. But she left behind a little momento. Actually, quite few momentos. I am having a war with fleas and it is driving me crazy. It's not like a major infestation, I might see one or five a day, but they are eating up my juicy baby, can't have that. I have been spraying the place for the past few days, but they are still here, little freaks. I am going to have to bring out the big guns. Going to have to get some Raid. So, another trip to Wal Mart.

Off to bed.

Babies

Bismillah hir Rahman nir Rahim

One thing I have learned is that it is really difficult to keep up with a daily blog with an 11 month old. He is crawling and into everything so I can't very well just sit and think while he is over there discovering light sockets. Right now he is sitting at his "desk." One of the best things we got for this kid is that Exersaucer. For some reason pediatricians are against walkers, but since we moved to this new place with all tile floors we might get him one anyway. It's hard to watch your baby scampering across the cold, hard floor, but he doesn't seem to mind.

I gave him some fruit in one of those netted pacificers. So he can get the taste without choking and hopefully (though I doubt it) with less mess. Basically he is just sucking the juices out of it, once he got past the shocking sour taste of the pineapple.

This Caylee Anthony case is hard for me to watch. I just do not understand how you can do that. Not just "assumably" kill your kid, or give away your kid, or chloraform your kid, or stuff your dead kid in the trunk. But how can you be so cold about it, have nothing to say about it? Does she think if she just pleads the fifth it will all just go away?

Imad, my son, is my life. I know they say she did not even want her daughter and her mom talked her into keeping her. That poor baby, what kind of life was that, being raised by a woman who doesn't really want her? I remember all those years I tried to have a baby, all those silly Pakistani women constantly asking "When are you going to have a baby?", and suffering through three miscarriages while they asked, I remember, alhumdulillah, finally pregnant and getting through the first trimester, and then the severe swelling, high blood pressure, diabetes, insulin shots, restricted diet, toxemia, emergency C-section, and I would do it all again to have this little guy, subhanaAllah. And this woman couldn't bother to report her kid missing.

Maybe she wasn't missing because maybe she knew where her baby's body was, is, all along.

Ramadan, so far so good, alhumdulillah

Bismillah...

Okay, today is the third day of Ramadan, alhumdulillah, it has been fairly easy so far. I have been getting up around 5:15 to get breakfast ready. That is a huge feat of strength for me! I am NOT a morning person. But if I sleep thru, I know my husband will not get up at all, he doesn't even set his alarm, depends on me to get up and then make sure he gets up! SubhanaAllah, I consider it a religious duty to take care of my husband. If it wasn't it would be overbearing sometimes.

Well, the baby is awake. He slept the entire night, didn't wake up once, alhumdulillah. Kind of scared me!

When is Ramadan? Really?

Bismillah...

What day is Ramadan really starting? We have this same problem every year, and then again for the last day and the day of Eid. Seems that the moon doesn't look the same for everyone. My in-laws live in Bahrain, and Bahrain always follows Makkah and Saudia Arabia. I always thought when the New Moon was sighted by anyone, that was it. But apparently Pakistan likes to do their own thing. Shi'as like to do their own thing. The various Sunni sects have reasons for doing their own thing. No one is united on this simplest of things.

We have always waited for the call from Ami in Bahrain, but it doesn't always match with whatever masjid we just happen to be going to at the time. Finding a masjid is a whole other problem, I'll get back to that. Last year or the year before the ISNA or ICNA (I never know which is which) decided to plot out the first day of Ramadan for the next few years. I was so against that because how is it possible to know that? Sometimes the months have 29 days, some have 30. I have noticed, also, the past few years Ramadan in Houston only lasts 29 days. I have read haddith that it is possible, but every single year? The Islamic Society of Greater Houston always rents the convention center at the Reliant Stadium, next the the Astro Dome, for the big Eid prayers. But more than once people have complained that they were under the impression that the day they chose to lead the Eid prayers was actually the 30th of Ramadan, while the people in the stadium were considering it to be the 1st of Shawal, the month after Ramadan.

So confusing...

About finding a masjid. We recently moved back to our old neighborhood. When we were here before we would go for Jumah at the masjid closet to our home. I always enjoyed the English dars but the when the next man would come to give the Arabic khutbah (which was usually the same as the English lesson) he would chant, in a kind of sing song voice, almost like he was reading poetry. I have never heard any other imam speak a sermon like that. My husband did not like it. It was kind of like he was reading the Qur'an like poetry, instead of reciting it properly. I was not fond of it myself.

So then we moved, but my husband's job was still in the old neighborhood. He would take his lunch break and go to a masjid that was two blocks away from the other one. He really liked it. I would go to another masjid when I could, but it was not always easy or even possible because the baby was only a few months old at the time and extremely fussy.

Now we are back and so far we have not gone to Jumah at all. My husband is in training for his new job and is not able to make it to Jumah at all. I no longer have a drivable car so I do not go either. So we really do not have any particular masjid these days. Probably when we ever do start going again, it will be the second one my husband liked.

Introduction

Bismillah hir Rahman nir Rahim

I already have dozens (seems like it!) of blogs floating around out there somewhere. The most active one is on MySpace. I decided to start this specifically to talk about my daily life as a Muslim woman in Houston, Texas. That, I just think this place is a bit more "mature."

I think a lot of people have formed their opinion of Muslim women based on what they see on the news. Most have never met a Muslim woman. In a city the size of Houston, people may have seen Muslim woman and not even know she was a Muslim becaue she was not wearing the recognizable scarf or robe. Or they may have seen a scarved, robed woman at the grocery store and thought her to be an unapproachable oddity.

A brief introduction, my name is Reem. Not my birth name, of course, as I was born in southwest Arkansas and raised in a Missionary Baptist church. I was very much the "church girl." There was even a time I considered entering the mission fields. I always befriended the exchange students at my high school, I am still in contact with a few of them 15 years later. I think my ultimate desire was to travel and see the world outside tiny Bodcaw. I loved anything foreign, languages, cultures, geography was my favorite subject. My interests eventually were narrowed down to the Arabic language. This led to Arab culture and finally, the Arab religion, Islam.

In 1995, this young Arkansan Baptist reverted to Islam. A belief in Islam is that every person and everything is born in submission to God. Submission to God is the definition of of the word islam, so in essence everyone is born as a Muslim (a submitter to God.) So instead of saying convert--or changing from the original to something new--we say revert, returning back to the original.

But I don't want to get into all that. (Besides, I personally use both terms, though some people get picky about it. From this point on I will use the word revert.) This blog is not about my reversion. This blog is going to be about my life now, 13 years after taking the shahadah.

I read a lot of reversion stories where the new Muslim talks about finding peace, everything is so wonderful now. Alhumdulillah, if they have found that coveted inner peace and strength. May Allah keep them strong. I, on the other hand, have not always been in high iman, or at peace. A lot of the time I stubble from what I know to be the Right Path, and feel that I am the worst Muslim in the world. Many times when I do find myself heading in the right direction religiously, I tend to get judgemental, even bitter, when I hear or see other Muslims who seem to have little regard to Islam, or the fact that they are setting bad examples, spreading incorrect information, going to extremes in either direction (from laziness to fananticism.)

I want this blog to be honest. I want this blog to change me for the better. I am preparing for Ramadan and I see this as a time for new beginnings. the idea for creating this blog came to me just a few minutes ago and I need to hurry this along before my baby wakes up.

Oh, I should mention I am married to a Pakistani (after I reverted) and we have an 11 month year old son, Imad, alhumdulillah. I'll be talking about him a lot probably.