Lost

Bismillah hir Rahan nir Rahim

Alhumdulillah, this year I had a good Ramadan. I woke up everyday for Suhur and did not miss any prayers. A few were late because we were evacuating from the hurricane and then a tree fell on the house we had evacuated to. InshaAllah they were accepted when I was able to make them.

I had hoped to keep up with that schedule, waking up an hour before Fajr and pray Nafl prayers or read Qur'an. It is the only time I would have for some quiet without the baby pulling my legs, constantly whining for me to pick him up. Seems to be doing that more and more. Right now he is throwing a fit in my lap because I won't carry him around anymore. Kid's too heavy to tote around all day!

I had also planned to make up my 8 missed fasts plus the 6 Sunnah fasts for Shawwal, but so far I have not done that. And today is the fourth morning in a row that I slept thru Fajr, astaghfurillah. I can feel that fire inside me getting low.

I feel something else. what little I do doesn't seem like enough anymore. I wear hijab and I pray and I read Qur'an and I fast for Ramadan, but it's not enough. It's just the least a Muslim can get by with. And I want to do more than just the least I can get by with.

In the past few days I have slipped back into the depression that has hovered over me since the baby was born. It's not the same PPD I had in the beginning. This is coming from loneliness, having no friends, being stuck at home all day with a whiney kid and having a husband come home wanting to know what is wrong with me (hmm, maybe it it is partly PPD), it comes from knowing what I should be doing and feeling that my loved ones are holding me back. Not intentionally, I mean I am holding back because I am afraid of their reaction.

And I am afraid of my own self. Sometimes I get high imaan (faith) and then it fizzles out. I am afraid that I will try to make certain changes in my religious life while I am on some sort of religious "high" and then after a few weeks realize that I am not strong enough to keep it going.

My brother will be coming next week for a visit. He has never seen me wear hijab (except in a few pictures) and he will be the last close relative to see it. I think after his visit, I will start wearing my abaya or jilbob. I will spare my brother the shock. My parents see me wearing it (hijab, not abaya) when they visit me in Houston, but I have not worn it in public back home in Arkansas. this is something that I want to change as well. I have to stop fearing people and start fearing Allah alone. I think this is on of the main things holding me back from committing to anything more than what I have already been doing. Fear of my family being embarrassed about me in Hope, pop. 10,000 on a busy day.

Just have to figure out how to do that. It just seems so impossible in my mind.

But let's concentrate on a few other things right now. I got to feed this kid first, inshaAllah next post.