Lazy

Once again, this morning, I slept thru Fajr. I always pray it as soon as I wake up, but a haddith says that people who do that are the same as hypocrites. I don't want to be like that. I take the sleeping pills again. I had tried to stop taking them, but then I stay up past 2:00 sometimes, simply can not sleep no mater how tired i am. And I am always tired. I am also having a lot of nose bleeds, really severe ones sometimes, they give me headaches and a few times make me light headed.

Last night I had a dream. the people in it were slightly mixed up, meaning they were my relatives, but in the dream they were actually my in-laws. We were all supposed to go to a party for my husband's sister (played by herself in the dream...???) and she had already left and was there waiting for us. My mom (but in the dream she was my husband's mom) was ready, i was ready, the baby was ready, we were just waiting for my husband, dad, and brother. My mom wait playing on the computer while she waited and the guys were all sitting around watching TV, basically in their underwear. Tht made me mad, because Pakistanis have this "thing" in their genetics where they can never be anywhere on time, always ALWAYS up to an hour late. So when I went in to tell them to get up and get ready, my husband was all like, calm down, they aren't actually expecting us for another half hour. That pissed me off even more, I think it is so disrespectful when people expect you at a certain time and then everyone is purposly late. And they were just being lazy. I went back later and my dad was wearing pajamas, and claimed he thought we had changed our minds about going. Implying that my mom and I were the ones taking our time. I think my dad actually represented my own husband because he pissed me off the most. And before all that, I could not find anything to wear, nothing fit, especially those Pakistani dresses i have, and I noticed that my sis-in-law and mom were both wearing blue jeans. I put mine on, too, but felt that we should have dressed up a little bit. And then I couldn't decide about wearing my hijab because we were in Arkansas. A lot of stuff going on in the dream.

I told myself that I am sick of being lazy, missing the prayers in the morning. I didn't fast a single day in Shawwal and today or tomorrow is the last day. And this morning...I decided to stop being lazy.

I have too much anger and bitterness towards...someone, I can not get passed it. I worked myself up while mopping this morning, I was so angry at that person, crying and all that while mopping, and then my nose started bleeding, dripping on the floor. Took 20 to 30 minutes to stop, it was pretty bad. I am supposed to love this person but I am holding a really large grudge.