Solutions Part 2

The last two days I had the intention of fasting but since I have not been taking the sleeping pills i usually take, I have not been sleeping well and I have slept right thru my alarm and missed Fajr, asthagfurillah. InshaAllah, in a few days I will have my sleeping pattern more normal. I sleep in the baby's room because my husband snores terribly. So I keep my alarm volume on lw, but up until now, it has been fine, waking me up without disturbing the baby. But now I can't sleep until way too late and I don't remember hearing it or shutting it off. Tonight I plan to just sleep on the couch and turn the volume up a bit.

My brother is supposed to come next week and then my husband's parents are supposed to come in November. I am looking forward to having family around, just wondering wear evryone is going to sleep.

I am feeling better, not quite as depressed. I know what it is. I want to change my religious life, like I have so many times in the past, but I have too many hang ups and fears and doubts. I am not anti-Salafi, in fact I think they are more correct than others, and I want to be more like them. But I do not hold some of the strict beliefs about women as they do, among them, wearing niqab and staying inside all the time, I would go crazy because i am already cut off from the world, having no friends to visit. Wearing niqab to me means never having a job in the future, first I could not leave my house, and second no one is going to hire a niqabi. And there is the possibility that I may have to work in the future, and then what? I am not anti-niqabi, I jut don't think I can do that at this time, for both personal and practical reasons.

I think the numer one thing holding me back, and the reason I get frustrated and depressed, is that my husband does not think the same way I do. I do not want to speak against him. But he is not religious and how can i be more religious if I live with someone who is not.

And then there is my own family, some of whom have seen me wear hijab, but only in Houston. Others have not seen it yet. They are all decent, normal, average people, as far as Americans go. Islam is way beyond anything they know. They think it goes way to far in trying to avoid what they think is just normal life. They don't see haram in almost everything, the way Muslims do. what is wrong with music, what's wrong with dating, what's wrong with wearing what you want as long as you're "decent"?

Anyway, I have been wearing my abaya more often. i was afraid my husband would say something, or tease me about it, but so far he hasn't. He is okay with me wearing abaya and whatever in Houston but not in Arkansas. i don't like this, even though that is basically what i do. I don't like that I do this, I want to wear hijab all the time, this is the biggest thorn in my side. and I don't like tht he told his mom not to wear her niqab when she interviews for the visa or flies over here. I know she will get problems with wearing it, but if you are committed to something, or know that someone is committed to something, you should not give it up for PEOPLE. You are doing it for ALLAH.

And so we come to the heart of the matter. I have not "committed." To hijab, or to anything, actually. Once you go 100%, you can't go back. I have not allowed myself to do this yet, for fear of people. My husband, my family, potential employers, old friends in Arkansas, people at the airports. that is the source of my depression, I realize now, my lack of commitment to Islam.