Uncommon seeds

I have been watching way too much TBN lately. the "Jesus Channel", only I shouldn't call it that, because Jesus is not just for Chrisitans, he is important to Muslims, too. Peace be upon him.

Anyway, I admit I do watch those crazy preachers too much. usually just see what they have to say against Islam and just to get my blood boiling. Which is crazy, right? My personal favs (and in this case they would actually be "anti-favs") are John Hagee and Rod Parsley. It used to be Benny Hinn, but he's getting boring these days. Benny Hinn has been peddling some kind of cure all book, which is weird for a faith healer.

Rod Parsley said something the other day, I just had to write it down. He comes on during a break in the show and says something along the lines of "I know these are hard [economic] times..." but he wants everyone to sow and seed of $100, meaning donate money to his ministry. This will change your life, this will rescue not only the nation, but also your own peronal finances. Don't ask how or why, just obey and give. And to those who can, he asks for the "uncommon seed" of $1000. giving his address, of course. And he keeps talking about "your now season." Always about money with these guys. I doubt his minstry needs uncommon seeds from people who can't afford to give, but he comes just short of promising that if they do this, God will pay them back. Money will miraculously fall into their mailboxes.

The other day John Hagee said something that caught my attention. He said that it is alright to fight to protect your home. Well, isn't that what the Palestinians have been doing all this time DER? How can you not see that? You kick them out of their homes just so you can fulfill some Zionistic prophecy, once all the Jews return to Israel Jesus will come back, whatever, and you expect them not to fight back? And when they do, how dare they? WTH, man?

And why is it that these preachers get up there and praise the country, this is the greatest nation in the world, and then turn around and rage about this head line and that news story, the biased media, the poor education system, the corrupted judicial system, crooked politicians, the streets running wild with every sin you can think? Sounds like such a terrible place. And why is it they whine and belly ache about how the government is trying to stifle their religious freedom, but when an atheist or non-Christian speaks up, they have no right to do so? Why is this guy always complaining about how the government is trying to take Christ out of everything but allowing all other religions freedom to express themselves? I have never seen that actually happen. I have never seen a Christian denied time or space to pray at school or the workplace any more or less than any other religion. And why is it that they preach that Christianity is the only source of good in the world, any other religion is the "opposite" of Christianity, anything else is evil, any other religion only teaches it's followers to do evil, Christian morals and values are the only ones that are pure and good?

Okay, take a breath.

Another preacher I sneak around to watch when nothing else is on is Jack Van Impe. He is next to insane, spouting various scriptures, jumping from one book to another, from Old Testament to New Testament, trying to tie them all together, even though they may or may not have anything to do with each other. They certainly are not near each other, it's like he is just randomly flipping thru the bible and running his thumb down the page with his eyes cloesd. He and his bobble head wife are scary and they are trying to scare people. I remember once he predicted that the next pope, after Benedict the ## whatever, is going to be the actual anti-Christ. And he will take the name Peter II, because there has been no other Pope Peter since the disciple Peter. (That's weird.) I had to write that down, along with his doomsday date, but dang it, I lost it, too. Probably December 12, 2012. (Or is it 21?)

So all these preachers got me to thinking. I am gonig to read the bible all the way thru, and take notes. I tore the closet up looking for my King James Version. I have read the bible, not all the way thru, of course, but I do know the bible. But I want to read the boring parts, the Prophet books, stuff that I could never get too deeply into before. I also watch a lot of History channel and some of the shows are about biblical times. Everytime they read a verse, it's like, "My preachers never explained it like that." Most of them had little to no knowledge of the historical eras in the bible. They were all small town country preachers, and to hear them talk you would think Jesus and the disciples were going to the same type of church we were in, with choirs and Sunday School! And the old people where I was from probably believed that, too! Absolutely NO compromise on their version of the bible or Christianity.

I rarely have time to read Qur'an, much less anything else. So I am going to take my time.

Thus ends my sermon for now.

Just to clarify.

To my annonymous commenter, no, I am not Salafi. I don't think I said I was, I did not mean to imply that I was. And if I ever did say I was a Salafi, it was by accident and I should go back and rewrite what I wrote so as to prevent any further confusion. Sorry if I did, I did not mean to give that impression. I do admire them somewhat, but I doubt I would ever be able to make such a commitment.

About "making mistakes", that is kind of my reason for writing this stuff. I always hear reverted Muslims talking about how "perfect" and peaceful their lives became once they became Muslim. Alhumdulillah, I do love Islam, and I am happy to be Muslim and I do believe it has made a big empact on my life, but things have not always been great and wonderful and easy. I think as lot of new Muslims hear older Muslims saying all that wonderful stuff and then get discouraged and think they must be doing something wrong because life didn't just open up for them and make everything easy. At least, that is how I used to feel. I might have accepted what I believe to be the true religion, but I still have problems to deal with. I still have to vent sometimes.

Anyway, blah blah blah

(I am only posting this to make sure you see it, not sure who you are or if you will ever come back to my page or if you will see the reply I made to your comment.)

Lazy

Once again, this morning, I slept thru Fajr. I always pray it as soon as I wake up, but a haddith says that people who do that are the same as hypocrites. I don't want to be like that. I take the sleeping pills again. I had tried to stop taking them, but then I stay up past 2:00 sometimes, simply can not sleep no mater how tired i am. And I am always tired. I am also having a lot of nose bleeds, really severe ones sometimes, they give me headaches and a few times make me light headed.

Last night I had a dream. the people in it were slightly mixed up, meaning they were my relatives, but in the dream they were actually my in-laws. We were all supposed to go to a party for my husband's sister (played by herself in the dream...???) and she had already left and was there waiting for us. My mom (but in the dream she was my husband's mom) was ready, i was ready, the baby was ready, we were just waiting for my husband, dad, and brother. My mom wait playing on the computer while she waited and the guys were all sitting around watching TV, basically in their underwear. Tht made me mad, because Pakistanis have this "thing" in their genetics where they can never be anywhere on time, always ALWAYS up to an hour late. So when I went in to tell them to get up and get ready, my husband was all like, calm down, they aren't actually expecting us for another half hour. That pissed me off even more, I think it is so disrespectful when people expect you at a certain time and then everyone is purposly late. And they were just being lazy. I went back later and my dad was wearing pajamas, and claimed he thought we had changed our minds about going. Implying that my mom and I were the ones taking our time. I think my dad actually represented my own husband because he pissed me off the most. And before all that, I could not find anything to wear, nothing fit, especially those Pakistani dresses i have, and I noticed that my sis-in-law and mom were both wearing blue jeans. I put mine on, too, but felt that we should have dressed up a little bit. And then I couldn't decide about wearing my hijab because we were in Arkansas. A lot of stuff going on in the dream.

I told myself that I am sick of being lazy, missing the prayers in the morning. I didn't fast a single day in Shawwal and today or tomorrow is the last day. And this morning...I decided to stop being lazy.

I have too much anger and bitterness towards...someone, I can not get passed it. I worked myself up while mopping this morning, I was so angry at that person, crying and all that while mopping, and then my nose started bleeding, dripping on the floor. Took 20 to 30 minutes to stop, it was pretty bad. I am supposed to love this person but I am holding a really large grudge.

Cup of Gumption

I have a big mission today. Going grocery shopping alone with the baby. Which is cool, I get the car, I get to take my time. Woo hoo. Maybe I will go to the West Oaks mall or wherever. I am not one of those who does not like to go out alone. Or eat alone. I have always been alone.

It is a bit of a hassle to tote the baby up and down, back and forth, but inshaAllah, we will manage. I just need my coffee, my cup of gumption. I can't hardly function without my gumption.

So I am going to all the way to the outskirts of Houston. There is a halal meat store there, alhumdulillah, much better than the one close to my house. And the Wal Mart over there is better than the ghetto Wal Mart I try to avoid whenever possible, even if it is right down the road. I shudder when I think of going there. I have to sike myself up for an hour and have absolutely nothing else planned for the rest of the day. Checking out takes longer than the actual shopping. and they have several lanes open, just 20 people in each one! G.H.E.T.T.O.!!!

I plan on cokking a nice dinner for the husband tonight, inshaAllah. We are expecting the family from overseas in the next week or so. I am looking forward to seeing my mother-in-law, just hope she doesn't mention me being "a little bit healthy" or my husband is a lot more than just a little bit healthy compamed to two years ago when we saw her last. I hate it when they do that. I am still stalled on my diet. i am not doing a very good job, honestly. She asked for my measurements so she can bring me some clothes, even though we told them NO GIFTS. but they have that "thing" in their head that they must brig gifts. I really don't want to give my measurements.

Okay, I better run if i want to go to the mall or anyother place besides Wal Mart and the meat store. As for my mood swings, I am just feeling blah now. Tired and empty and blah. And these THING that I am trying not to talk about because it's none of my business, mashaAllah, I successfully avoided blowing up about it while my husband filled me in on the latest developements. I just said um-hmm a few times. I don't really know why it angers me so much. Sometimes I think people's priorities are really screwed up.

Minding my own business

I will keep my mouth shut. It's not my business. Bite my tongue, swallow my opinion along with that bitter feeling that keeps rising up from the pit of my stomach. I have not done such a good job so far, but inshaAllah, I will try harder to keep out of it, since no one really gives a crap what I think about it anyway.

If I can't say something nice, Ya Allah!, help me keep my mouth shut. Starting....NOW!

PREGNANT WOMEN SHOULD NOT FLY HALF WAY AROUND IN THE WORLD IN THE 8TH FREAKIN' MONTH!!!

Opps...

Starting....NOW!

Better Day, InshaAllah

InshaAllah this day will be better.

First I drop my husband off at his job, go back home and feed the baby. And then give him a bath because you can't take a dirty baby to the doctor. I need one myself. So then we go tot he doctor, and maybe the mall across the street if it is not too late. then I have to go back and pick my husband up so he can go to the Pakistani embassy way on the north side of town. It is just a removated house behind a Popeye's Chicken, hahaha.

This morning I woke up in time for Fajr, alhumdulillah, because I slept on the couch. The wind kept blowing the window and it would bump and rattle everytime I was about to doze off. I tried stuff a sock between the panes but that didn't work. It didn't seem to bother the baby, so I went to the couch. Not the most comfortable couch. And once again my alam did not go off at 5:50 like I set it, so I could get up early to eat breakfast so I could fast. It went off at 6:23, which is weird because the alarm on my phone can only be set for 05, 10, 15, etc. not minutes in between. And also Fajr this morning was 6:24.

Obviously there is nothing much to add, I hve only been up about 90 minutes.

Mood Swings

Today I am in a bad mood and the baby is not helping much. I didn't wake up till 10:30!! Wow, how did that happen? and the baby slept that late, too! My back has been hurting for the past week. I think it's from the air bed I sleep on in the baby's room to get away from my husband's snoring. So I woke up late, I am in quite a bit of pain, the baby has been whining and crying all day, I am feeling really blah and yucky, and getting a headache.

I am writing this so I can look back in a few weeks to see how my mood swings were, when they happened and compare it with what was going on at the time. I have had several good days in a row and now I am back down again. I have terrible mood swings. I have moments of energy, where I go for walks in the morning or afternoon, and clean the house and cook big dinners, and then days where all I do is sit in from the the computer or TV and don't want to move.

So here we go, my list of complaints. Today, I slept thru Fajr again, and I missed the chance to fast again. the baby is being picky and not eating and wants me to hold him and carry him around all the time, which is making my sore back hurt worse. I can not eat, I can not even go to the bathroom without him throwing a fit from being put down. This afternoon I had to go into the other room to scream and bang on the wall! I feel so bad about it but I go absolutely crazy sometimes and I have to leave the room so he won't see me getting upset. He would not eat lunch and so I finally got him to snuggle up and go to sleep, but when I put him in his crib he wakes up and cries, he has always done this. Won't sleep unless I hold him the whole time. I have eaten a slice of toast, drank a cup of coffee and a cup of tea so far today, that's it. My diet is stalling, I am losing control of it, it seems, and i am getting discouraged with it. My in-laws are coming in a few weeks and even though I love her, I bitterly keep thinking my mother-in-law is going to say something about my weight. I already know she is going to say a LOT about my husband's weight, which annoys me almost as much as when people talk about mine, because who getsw to hear him complain about it? ME. Tomorrow I am taking the baby to a doctor to get consultation about circumcision, that was not possible when he was born. Don't want to get into that. It has to be done as soon as possible, and the thought of it worries me, of course. My brother is also coming with his family. i am not turning anyone away or bothered by having company, in fact, i would love to have visitors more often, but where is everyone going to sleep?

Stress and annoyance and bitterness and bad diet. I have had these problem for years. I am trying to use my faith and religion to help, and I think it really has, but I still feel I have a long way to go.

Another Day

Now we are not sure when my brother will be coming. It was supposed to be this weekend. But he got back together with his wife, alhumdulillah, so the trip got postponed to November. and instead of just him, he will be bringing his wife and daughter. I hope they can all fit in one bed and can sleep with the traffic right outside the window. they are from the country after all.

Not much going on. I did get up for Fajr on time, but did not fast today again. I don't know why I can't get myself back in that frame of mind. It's like for Ramadan, you just do it because you have to. But when you have the whole year to make the missed ones up, you get lazy. That is why you should make them up in Shawwal, which is now almost over. I think my own problem is my dependence on caffine.

Besides that, my nose bled horribly this morning right when I got up. Took almost 10 minutes to stop and it was in my throat, now I feel sick in my stomach from swallowing too much blood. Don't know why that happened. And i don't know if a nose bleed would break your fast anyway, especially when you swallow so much blood.

My in-laws got their visas, alhumdulillah. InshaAllah they will be coming in a few weeks. My mother-in-law is dying to see Imad, her only grandchild. My sister-in-law will be having her baby in a few weeks, as well. So Ami is comig for that, too. Plus, my brother-in-law is "supposedly" graduating in December, that's the rumor, anyway. He is secretive and i wouldn't put it past him to wait till the day before and announce, "Oh, by the way, I won't actually graduate till May. Sorry."

This and that

I had intended to fast today but once again I woke up too late. My alarm did not go off this time at all. But the baby woke up a few minutes after Fajr and I had to attend to him, so at least I did not miss the pray. I have been sleeping thru it a lot lately, astaghfurillah. InshaAllah, I will keep trying to fast. I am planning to start fasting every Monday and Thursday, these are the two most favored days to fast.

I had a crying episode last week, Wednesday or thursday. Not sure why, I just broke down and started crying, sitting in the baby's room. He was visibly upset, he always gets upset when he sees me upset. but this time, instead of crying, he crawled up into my lap and gave me a big hug, with arms and legs. Of course, this just made me cry more. We sat there for a long time until he feel asleep. He is only 13 months, but he already knows how to cheer me up. Since then I have not felt as depressed, mashAllah, much better now.

We did go to Jumah together on Friday. My husband left for his lunch break but the traffic between where he works and the masjid is terrible on Fridays. We made it right on time but it took longer than an hour. His manager was very nice about letting him go for prayers and did not give him any grief about being gone too long, but he doesn't want them to think he is taking advantage of their kindness, they may get tired of it later on. So we may have to change our route or go to a different masjid. It was not the same on I went to by myself last week. This one had the smallest woman's section I have ever seen, including Little Rock and Jonesboro, Arkansas. But alhumdulillah I was glad to go as a family. Imad didn't start his usally fussiness until the prayer, and this time he played with his truck so he wasn't as bad as usual.

I am "stuck" on my diet. No gain no loss. Well, I was down 3 or 4 pounds once but they came back by the end of the day. And one day I was up a pound but it was "absorbed" the next day. I need to get more strict if I am going to allow myself to eat a little bit of everything instead of depriving myself of carbs, which has worked for me in the past.

Alhumdulillah I hve been wearing my abaya for the past week. My husband has not given me any grief about it. His parents are coming next month inshaAllah and when his mom asked what size I was so she could bring me some new shalwar qameez (Pakistani dresses) he told her to bring me a new abaya instead. Alhumdulillah.

Solutions Part 2

The last two days I had the intention of fasting but since I have not been taking the sleeping pills i usually take, I have not been sleeping well and I have slept right thru my alarm and missed Fajr, asthagfurillah. InshaAllah, in a few days I will have my sleeping pattern more normal. I sleep in the baby's room because my husband snores terribly. So I keep my alarm volume on lw, but up until now, it has been fine, waking me up without disturbing the baby. But now I can't sleep until way too late and I don't remember hearing it or shutting it off. Tonight I plan to just sleep on the couch and turn the volume up a bit.

My brother is supposed to come next week and then my husband's parents are supposed to come in November. I am looking forward to having family around, just wondering wear evryone is going to sleep.

I am feeling better, not quite as depressed. I know what it is. I want to change my religious life, like I have so many times in the past, but I have too many hang ups and fears and doubts. I am not anti-Salafi, in fact I think they are more correct than others, and I want to be more like them. But I do not hold some of the strict beliefs about women as they do, among them, wearing niqab and staying inside all the time, I would go crazy because i am already cut off from the world, having no friends to visit. Wearing niqab to me means never having a job in the future, first I could not leave my house, and second no one is going to hire a niqabi. And there is the possibility that I may have to work in the future, and then what? I am not anti-niqabi, I jut don't think I can do that at this time, for both personal and practical reasons.

I think the numer one thing holding me back, and the reason I get frustrated and depressed, is that my husband does not think the same way I do. I do not want to speak against him. But he is not religious and how can i be more religious if I live with someone who is not.

And then there is my own family, some of whom have seen me wear hijab, but only in Houston. Others have not seen it yet. They are all decent, normal, average people, as far as Americans go. Islam is way beyond anything they know. They think it goes way to far in trying to avoid what they think is just normal life. They don't see haram in almost everything, the way Muslims do. what is wrong with music, what's wrong with dating, what's wrong with wearing what you want as long as you're "decent"?

Anyway, I have been wearing my abaya more often. i was afraid my husband would say something, or tease me about it, but so far he hasn't. He is okay with me wearing abaya and whatever in Houston but not in Arkansas. i don't like this, even though that is basically what i do. I don't like that I do this, I want to wear hijab all the time, this is the biggest thorn in my side. and I don't like tht he told his mom not to wear her niqab when she interviews for the visa or flies over here. I know she will get problems with wearing it, but if you are committed to something, or know that someone is committed to something, you should not give it up for PEOPLE. You are doing it for ALLAH.

And so we come to the heart of the matter. I have not "committed." To hijab, or to anything, actually. Once you go 100%, you can't go back. I have not allowed myself to do this yet, for fear of people. My husband, my family, potential employers, old friends in Arkansas, people at the airports. that is the source of my depression, I realize now, my lack of commitment to Islam.

Solutions

Been workingon this since Oct. 14...

Bismillah hir Rahman nir Rahim.


Okay baby is sleeping, better hurry.


I think the first thing i should do is make up the fasts that I missed, get that out of the way. this year I missed 8. I went and added up all the fasts I have missed over the past 13 years (gulp gulp) 162 days! I have read some fatawa that says during those years that you were lazy and did not pray or fast, you were out of Islam and you do not necessarily have to make up deeds that you missed, because your repentence is you "return" to Islam. Maybe so, but I still feel the need to make them up, at least the 30 days I missed last year because I had the baby.


But that will take some time. Let's just worry about the 8 days I need to make up this year.


I don't think I will have enough days left in Shawwal to fast the 6 Sunnah days. I did not want to fast while my brother is here. If they were Fard, of course, I would. But these are Sunnah, not Fard, and I had plenty of opportunities to fast before now, so it is my fault that I wasted most of the month. The haddith says that if you fast your month of Ramadan, and then 6 days of Shawwal, it is as if you fasted an entire lifetime. And another says you have to make up your missed Fard fasts before doing Sunnah fasts, so I would have had to do the 8 before the 6. On and on and on....my point is I need to make up my 8 fasts as soon as possible.


InshaAllah fasting will help keep me focused on Islam more. During Ramadan, when I was waking up and staying up, I didn't feel as groggy all day as when I go back to sleep after Fajr. I actually enjoyed getting up early and having an hour or two to myself before the baby woke up. and it seems that when I go back to sleep after Fajr and wake up with the baby, we start the day off in a grumpier mood.


One other thing I have already started working on. NO MORE SLEEPING PILLS!!! I have been taking Tylenol PM for as long as i can remember. Not everyday for years and years, but for long periods of time over the years since i discovered it in college. I have been an insomniac since high school, never could sleep at the right time and when I I could, would sleep as late as 3 or 4:00 in the afternoon. But I was also not able to actually sleep until 8 or 9:00 in the morning, so it's not like I was sleepng up to 15 or so hours. I was just sleeping the average 6 to 8 hours at the wrong time. This really ruins your life, let me tell you. I did terrible in college because of it, can't go to early classes or morning jobs. It's totally miserable. So I hve always taking Tylenol PM (usually a double dose, and at times even a triple dose) and strong coffee in the morning.


Well, for the past three nights I have not taken any sleeping pills. when I take them, it is so hard to get up in the morning and now I have no choice, with the baby waking up around 8:00. And for the past few nights I have not been able to sleep before 1 or 2:00 in the morning, I have slept thru Fajr, don't even remember the alarm going off. I think tonight I will just stay on the couch and turn my alarm louder so i can hear it and get up. At the right time.

Okay, baby throwing a fit now, better go.

Lost

Bismillah hir Rahan nir Rahim

Alhumdulillah, this year I had a good Ramadan. I woke up everyday for Suhur and did not miss any prayers. A few were late because we were evacuating from the hurricane and then a tree fell on the house we had evacuated to. InshaAllah they were accepted when I was able to make them.

I had hoped to keep up with that schedule, waking up an hour before Fajr and pray Nafl prayers or read Qur'an. It is the only time I would have for some quiet without the baby pulling my legs, constantly whining for me to pick him up. Seems to be doing that more and more. Right now he is throwing a fit in my lap because I won't carry him around anymore. Kid's too heavy to tote around all day!

I had also planned to make up my 8 missed fasts plus the 6 Sunnah fasts for Shawwal, but so far I have not done that. And today is the fourth morning in a row that I slept thru Fajr, astaghfurillah. I can feel that fire inside me getting low.

I feel something else. what little I do doesn't seem like enough anymore. I wear hijab and I pray and I read Qur'an and I fast for Ramadan, but it's not enough. It's just the least a Muslim can get by with. And I want to do more than just the least I can get by with.

In the past few days I have slipped back into the depression that has hovered over me since the baby was born. It's not the same PPD I had in the beginning. This is coming from loneliness, having no friends, being stuck at home all day with a whiney kid and having a husband come home wanting to know what is wrong with me (hmm, maybe it it is partly PPD), it comes from knowing what I should be doing and feeling that my loved ones are holding me back. Not intentionally, I mean I am holding back because I am afraid of their reaction.

And I am afraid of my own self. Sometimes I get high imaan (faith) and then it fizzles out. I am afraid that I will try to make certain changes in my religious life while I am on some sort of religious "high" and then after a few weeks realize that I am not strong enough to keep it going.

My brother will be coming next week for a visit. He has never seen me wear hijab (except in a few pictures) and he will be the last close relative to see it. I think after his visit, I will start wearing my abaya or jilbob. I will spare my brother the shock. My parents see me wearing it (hijab, not abaya) when they visit me in Houston, but I have not worn it in public back home in Arkansas. this is something that I want to change as well. I have to stop fearing people and start fearing Allah alone. I think this is on of the main things holding me back from committing to anything more than what I have already been doing. Fear of my family being embarrassed about me in Hope, pop. 10,000 on a busy day.

Just have to figure out how to do that. It just seems so impossible in my mind.

But let's concentrate on a few other things right now. I got to feed this kid first, inshaAllah next post.

Nothing Much

Tonight I cut the baby's hair while he was in the tub. Do you know how hard it is to cut a wet, squirmy baby's hair without snipping his ear in the process? My nerves were shot. MashAllah he looks much better now, not so shaggy. It's not exactly straight but good enough for now. I have been fighting off the influence of my mother-in-law for a year, she wants us to shave his head several more times. We shaved it when he was a month old, it's a Sunnah. But it is a nice blondish brown color now, mashAllah. I like having a little blonde Pakistani baby haha. So I refuse to shave it again and have it come back darker. His blondish hair is about the only noticable thing he got from me.

I was down a few pounds this morning, mashallah, but I see my belly...blah. I don't want to think about it. I cooked some beef for dinner, but had not spice (Pakistani masalas) so I used A1 Steak Sauce, haha, didn't tell my husband. I believe he actually liked it.

Diet Woes

I have been doing okay on the "diet", I guess. I am definitiely eating less than i usually would. Now I need to work on the things I actually do eat. I tend to get the munchies late at night. I need to snack on healthier stuff, instead of cookies and chips like I have been doing (even if i am eating just a few.) Maybe some baby carrots or some fruit. I think I better start eating more simple things, fruit, veggies, milk, bread. Staple foods, that don't have goofy cartoons on the package, right?

I think I also need to eat a bigger breakfast, I get really hungry about two hours later. So far I have been eating one slice of toast and a glass of milk for breakfast, which is more than I usually eat, I used to never eat breakfast at all. I think I will go ahead and add another slice of toast.

I am feeling hungry right now. But i notice that after a while it is not so bad, i can deal with it. If I start feeling weak or get low blood sugar, I eat some peanut butter or drink a glass of milk, eat some cheese. Within a few minutes I feel fine.

It's kind of like "borderline" hungry. Weird, but I feel it in my arms and legs. I feel less heavy and lazy. But I STILL weigh ### - 15. And I still look like I weigh ###. I know it takes time, got to reverse those wheels. I'm chugging along. Got to be patient. Wait till at least November before I see anything going on.

InshaAllah I am planning to make up my missed fasts and also try to fit in six fasts for Shawwal (the month after Ramadan) starting tomorrow. I missed eight this year, so that is two weeks, but they don't have to all run together. I will be honest, I actually have more than just this year's missed fasts. But I do not know if or how to make them up, if I am even allowed to do that. And if it comes down to feeding a poor person to make up for a fast, I can not afford that these days, I kind of AM the poor person right now. Just last year, I had a baby in the middle of Ramadan, I missed that whole month. A few other years, I did not make all of the missed up, due to my own laziness, astaghfurillah. I am trying to get right with Islam and with Allah, I need to find out what to do about making up a LOT of fasts.

Diet Progress and Baby Shots

Bismillah hir Rahman nir Rahim

Well, since my diet blog is under review (at least I hope it is, I have no idea how it works) I will just track my progress over here.

The last few days I have done okay on portion control. At least, I am eating less than i usually would. I am trying to control how fast I eat, also. And taking smaller bites. the scales have not moved in a week. Right now I weigh ۞۞۞ and I want to weight (۞۞۞ - 40) Yeah, you didn't think I was really gonig to put my weight on here, did you? I am okay with ۞۞۞ because just a few short months ago I weighed (۞۞۞ + 15). But it gets discouraging when your scales hardly move anymore. I really shouldn't check everyday, just once a week. But it's still the same, week after week. I know i have to give it more than just a week. I am going to hold out till New Year's and then see where I'm at.

Baby had to get his 12 month shots today. We knew it would be difficult when the nurse was trying to take his temperture with the ear thingie and he threw a fit. Like, that's not the worst that is going to happen. the doctor told me what I already knew about our sleeping arrangements. I sleep in the baby's room because my husband snores extremely loud. Of course that is not good because the baby knows I am right there and if he cries long and loud enough I will eventually toss him in my bed. So now I am going to have to find another place to sleep. I guess I can set my air bed up inthe dinning room, since we don't have a table and don't use that area anyway. InshaAllah, my husband will eventually stop snoring. I gave up trying to sleep in the same room over a year ago.

So we doped the baby up on Tylenol. Not intentionally of course! the doctor gave me a dose, which went all over the baby's face, chest, diaper, legs, and the paper on the exam table. I had my own Tylenol so I gave him some of that, too, so he probably got well over a dose between the two. I held his arms down while the nurse stuck him. she said some mothers refuse to do it. (My husband doesn't even was to be in the baby's sight for fear he will associate getting shots with seeing his Abu cowering in the corner.) I know it has to be done, it's for his own good. I don't remember my own shots as a baby, so inshaAllah he won't remember me being a part of it.

We had a terrible storm this morning and our street was flooded, but we are home now, street is clear. Baby is sleeping it off. I am about to make some pasta for myself. I have the car today, yea! I might go somewhere later. I never have the car.

My other blog was reported!?

Weird, my other blog got reported as spam. I had no idea anyone was reading or even cared that much. AWWWW, so sweet.

Well, it's not spam. I have no idea what rules I broke. I didn't know it was so offencive to document your own weight loss plan

Muslim Weight Loss Plan

Hurry hurry, while the baby is sleeping!!!

Now that Ramadan is over, I have to go back on my diet. Actually, I am going to try something else. I was doing low carb for a while before Ramadan, alhumdulillah, I had lost 15 or so pounds in a few short months.

But then I kind of got stuck, and once I get stuck for a two or more weeks, I get discouraged. Besides that, low carb can get expencive, with all the meat you have to buy, and I really miss bread and pasta and CHOCOLATE. Also, I had moved at the end of July and at the new place I have no where to go for the daily walks I used to take with the baby. Our new street is really busy all day and I feel anxious walking with the baby so close to the traffic.

A few years ago I did some personal research about dieting and weight loss in Islam and "developed" my own Muslimah's Diet. (But I never really tried out.) There really isn't an actual weight loss plan in Islam, but if you look into it, there are several ayahs from Qur'an and haddith about the Sunnah that describes how a Muslim should eat, not just what a Muslim should or should not eat.

Eating is a big part of the Islamic culture (or just about any culture.) It deals with hospitality and closeness of family. When you visit someone, you eat. When you invite someone, you eat. When you go out with friends, you eat.

The haddith I found mostly advise portion control. You should not over eat and stuff yourself. In fact, you should never eat until you are totally full. The one that I found the most interesting says that when you eat, you should fill yourself with 1/3 food, 1/3 drink, and 1/3 air. Eat and drink but don't get overly full. (One third air, I take to mean, the extra "space" in your stomach from not filling it all the way.) Eat slowly and pay attention to your body and stop when you are no longer feeling hungry. Another one says the food of one person can sustain two, and the food of two can sustain three, etc. Well, I back it up a little bit and come to the conclusion that the food of half can sustain one. (That's just me talking, not the actual haddith, but it makes sense, right?)

If eaten the proper way, as advised by Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, this should be possible. Don't just cram it all in your mouth, scarfing it down, have some self control, eat in moderation, serve others before serving yourself, eat what you get and don't get what you can't finish (don't waste and don't over endulge.) Basic Islamic princples.

Okay, I got to cut this short. Baby has been up for a while now. InshaAllah I will try this out till New Year's, see how it goes. I got a lot more info, just got to tend to the kid right now